4 Tips for Coping with the Holidays

Image by Donna Lay on Unsplash

The holidays are hard.

The first Thanksgiving during my divorce, I traveled to my parents’ house in Indiana. They had moved when I was in college, so it wasn’t my childhood home — I had only ever visited this house with my soon-to-be-ex-husband. In my newly single status I wasn’t yet relegated to an air mattress in the den (that demotion would come later), but I felt uneasy about my place in the family and nervous about how the long weekend would go.

Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday. My mom makes the best food: the turkey is always perfect, we consume five pounds of mashed potatoes alongside a sweet potato soufflé, and I eat pie for breakfast the next day. All of our traditions that year were the same, but instead of relaxing into the familiarity, I was on edge.

The turning point came for me after dinner. We were on the couch watching a Thanksgiving movie — I think it was either Trains, Planes, and Automobiles or While You Were Sleeping. My mom and stepdad were cuddling on the sectional sofa to my right. My sister and brother-in-law were curled up to my left. I was in the middle, alone.  

I felt sad and awkward and uncomfortable. So, I self-medicated by drinking more wine.

After the movie, I had about half a glass of wine left in my cup, so I brought it to the guest bedroom with me. I don’t know why. I was thinking I’d relax with a book or check in on Facebook, but I quickly fell asleep.

In the middle of the night, in the unfamiliar room, I somehow reached out toward the nightstand and knocked over the glass of wine, spilling it across the carpet and a comforter I had set next to the bed. Everything in my mom’s house was white or light beige; I only drink red wine.

There’s nothing quite like the shame I felt standing barefoot in my parents’ laundry room at 3 am, sobbing over the sink, hoping the running water would mask the sound as I scrubbed the wine-stained comforter. I wasn’t crying over the spilled wine. I was crying because I had never felt more alone.

My mom came out of her room and found me. She told me it was ok, but I didn’t believe her. Because it wasn’t.

I can’t change that experience — and I honestly don’t think I would, because I learned from it — but I’ve done a lot of thinking about what might have made that Thanksgiving better for me.

Change Something

If this is your first holiday without your spouse, try to modify something else in your family’s traditions so your single-ness isn’t the ONLY thing that’s different. See if you can wrangle your siblings into running or walking the local Turkey Trot 5K race. Make a new appetizer or side dish to complement the usual menu. Or, if your family always hits the mall for Black Friday, change things up and #optoutside this year with a morning hike.

Phone a Friend

Before a family holiday get together, enlist a friend to be your backup support — someone you can contact if you need to vent or want to talk about how you’re feeling. If you feel alone or overwhelmed navigating the family dynamics, having a friend to call or text for moral support can be a lifeline.

Give Yourself Space

If things feel intense or you need to process your feelings, it’s ok to take some time for yourself. Go for a walk — the fresh air and movement will help clear your head. Or put in some headphones and listen to a short guided meditation. And, if you have a regular exercise routine, don’t neglect it. Not only will a workout help you feel more balanced after all the holiday food and drinks, the energy and endorphins will help lift your mood.

Talk to Your Family

When I was going through my divorce, for some reason it seemed more difficult to share my feelings and struggles with my own family than with anyone else. They had loved my ex-husband and supported our relationship, and I felt like a failure for not being able to make it work. Many of the details of our split felt humiliating. And I didn’t want them to be sucked into the drama of our divorce. But, in hindsight, I wish I had just talked to them about how difficult it was for me to participate in our traditions and how hard a time I was having as I grieved the loss of my marriage and began stepping into the next chapter of my life. I think if I’d let them know how I felt and asked them for help and support, I would have had a different experience that holiday.

I’m not going to tell you to find something to be thankful for. But this holiday season, please remember to be kind and take time for yourself.